For most of my life I’ve had a horrible relationship with money. It has taken a lot of coaching and work to unpick, but I no longer cover the screen at the cash point, I have a savings account and a pension, I spend (mostly) within my means, and I put aside money for my tax. This is progress for someone who used to be heavily in debt and lived with a paralysing sense of fear around money.
The other day, however, I was reminded of how deeply problematic the way we talk about money is. For a long time I believed I was just innately bad with money, but I’ve since learned that not only do our relationships with money begin when we are children from what we absorb from our parents, but from the way society assigns emotional values to how and why we spend.
A savings app I use messaged me recently about a new scheme it was launching called the “naughty rule”. It went into detail about when you spend money on something considered “naughty” (take your mind out of the gutter – they specified a takeaway or retail therapy) the app creates a rule to help you “ease that post-spending guilt”.
We’re in a cost of living crisis, so I already feel awful for spending money on anything that isn’t a basic expense like food or electricity, but reading that message really struck a nerve. I had been feeling guilty for days about a recent purchase.
Over the last year, I had saved up money to buy my first designer handbag, partly because I wanted to, and also because I saw it as an investment. I had seen how much my stocks and shares nosedived over the last few months, and a friend told me certain handbag brands hold if not increase their value over time. It may be a bad idea, but no more so than the money I lost through stocks.
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For someone like me who has worked very hard to look at money as a neutral concept rather than be terrified of it, I don’t think guilt or the idea of a “naughty rule” is a healthy association to make. Guilt didn’t motivate me for the 16 years I was in debt – instead I felt ashamed around money all the time, and it made me disengage from it, whether that was being able to create a savings plan or look at my own bank balance.
In the beginning, I would often spend money I didn’t have – a habit that started in university when I was given my own overdraft – and because of the nature of debt, the further I got in, the harder it was to dig my way out. Not all of it was irresponsible spending: it was a combination of student debt as well as a pitiful journalist salary that didn’t cover the basic costs of rent and food, let alone anything extra.
When I was at my most debt-ridden, owing £12,000, I had resigned myself to being in debt for the rest of my life. I was also shouldering the burden of helping my late husband with his debt, which had spiralled to around £30,000. For a long time, I thought that my debt was the main cause of my problems. But when I finally dug myself out of it by switching jobs to earn a much higher salary, not using credit cards and overdrafts, and refusing to spend money I didn’t have, it was obvious it wasn’t as clear cut as that.
Not being in debt was an incredible feeling, because for so long I had lost hope around being debt-free. But my problems were more emotional and complicated than that. Handling money – which is one of the most important skills to have as an adult – was not taught in my school. I was not taught how to manage overdrafts, how to self-regulate spending and not feel pressure to compete with friends especially if they earn significantly more than you, and how to run a savings or spending plan.
The idea that spending money on certain things is naughty is part of what got me into trouble in the first place. Spending on a takeaway, clothes or a piece of tech is completely fine if you have the funds to do so. And even if you can’t afford it, it’s okay to make a mistake or to accidentally overspend, as long as you correct it and don’t consistently keep doing it. In my case, I used to get into so much trouble with money because fear and guilt made me spend money and then be in complete denial about how much I was spending. It kept me permanently broke, as well as terrified of having money. Instead, cultivating a healthier, more neutral relationship with my finances allows me to stay more on top of things.
Anyone struggling with the emotional component of how they handle money would do well to unpick why they feel the way they do, and where that fear might come from.
There were several methods that worked for me. The first was following money influencers who had worked their way out of debt and had useful tips around the emotional connection we have with money. Although seeing a coach may not be accessible for everyone, attending a workshop tends to be cheaper and helped me. One of the exercises included writing down what emotions came up and I could see that feeling sick wasn’t a normal reaction.
I also changed the language around money – I no longer use the word “budget” but instead, “spending plan”, and most importantly, I use money saving and investment apps that simplify it for me and make me feel like I am working towards something. It makes me feel as if there is some forward momentum – even in months when I don’t save anything at all. My goal now is to feel as neutral as I can around it, but there is still a long way to go.
